About Crying

Crying is not a sign of weakness but rather a feature of the human adaptive process.  In crying we are not losing our grip or going out of control.  Actually, we are helping our tensed muscles and stressed emotions to relax.  So tears have a very positive function in helping us to cope with the waves of grief which come and go as we gradually adjust to the pain of loss.

When we love someone deeply we become bonded to them in a very special way.  The loss of a loved person causes us to go through the process of "letting go" of these bonds.  This process is known as mourning.  Tears are part of the external expression of the emotional pain and physical tension which we experience as a normal reaction to loss.  Our need to cry is evidence that we have loved.

By progressively shedding tears we gradually work through the mourning process.  Mourning helps us to undo the bonds of the relationship as we edge our way towards "letting go".  This does not mean that we stop loving the person, but rather we are set free to rebuild our lives while maintaining all our treasured memories of what has been.

We all know that we feel better after having a good cry and now science can explain why this is so.  When we experience deep emotional and psychic pain, biochemical changes occur in our bodies.  The act of crying allows the body's chemistry to do some re-balancing.  Without the cleansing action of tears, high levels of stress chemicals remain in the blood stream. When tears flow from our eyes and sobs cause muscles to tighten and free-up again, some amazing changes occur as the body's biochemistry settles back to normal for awhile.

Scientists have shown that the human body produces its own natural calming substances called endorphins.  The secretion of endorphins occurs in conjunction with crying.  This helps us to understand how it is that we can cry and sob and in so doing relieve the build-up of tensions within us and experience calm in the wake of our tears.  So we know that crying is a physiologically based coping mechanism for our grief.  It moves us towards the end of our mourning.

 However, many people are still apologetic for their tears.  Some of us feel that we have to be strong so that we don't upset others who are also grieving.  We speak of crying in terms like "breaking down" or "going to pieces", as if it was an unhelpful thing to do.  It's as if we are afraid to allow ourselves to express the fullness of our sadness through tears (or even through anger).  However, when we hold it all inside, we slow down the mourning process and put our ultimate health and well being at risk.

In response to joy or humour, we laugh and this is normal.  Why then should we discredit our need to cry in response to sadness or despair, when crying is also a normal human reaction?  In allowing ourselves to cry, we are helping ourselves step by step to develop strengths which will stand by us as we rebuild our lives.

Barbara Walsh, Psychologist, Family Crisis Worker, Tamworth Base Hospital

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Last modified: 13 May, 2008