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| In a report on the last drought, sponsored by the Attorney-General's department in 1998, the most cited goal recorded for both males and females was to develop strategies to cope with major relationship difficulties, that is, to improve communication between family members and to develop skills in conflict resolution. Statistics and experience tell us that communication is the key for the maintenance of healthy relationships, for drought-proofing your marriage. The companionship and completeness God intended for marriage grows out of communication. So how do we improve our communication?You can either ask the Anglican Counselling Service to run a communication workshop in your church or community or put into practice the following:Poor communication is a major problem in today's society and is a major factor in relationship breakdown. There is nothing more important in life than meaningful relationships. Central to establishing and maintaining these meaningful relationships is effective communication skills. What is communication? H Norman Wright defines communication as 'a process of sharing yourself both verbally and non-verbally, in such a way that the other person can both understand and accept what you've shared.' So, communication is about sharing with another person what is happening to you, what you are thinking and feeling. It is also about having accepted what you have said even though your partner of friend may not agree with you. If we perceive that our partner or friend doesn't understand or accept our feelings, we stop sharing them and gradually withdraw from them. To have our thoughts and feelings understood, we need to state what they are by saying something like, 'I feel helpless as this drought drags on and our debt grows bigger.' Communication is also about listening. If there is no listening, there is no communication. James 1:19 says, 'My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...' The art of listening does not come easily for most of us. Someone has said that God has given us two ears and one mouth because He wants us to listen twice as much as we talk. Being willing to listen is a clear expression and demonstration of your desire to love. Listening is not just hearing, but taking time to understand. Listening means giving our undivided attention and total concentration to our partner, friend and even child. Listening means not thinking about what you are going to say next, but listening for the feelings that lie beneath their words. As we actively listen to what the other person is saying, we tune in, empathise and accept what is being said. When a person begins to feel understood they feel that you have their best interests at heart - you care for them. Don't be afraid to say what you think or feel. Be honest. When we don't admit what we think or feel, and pretend that we aren't hurt or angry, we are being dishonest. This keeps people apart and destroys closeness. Set time aside in your diary each day, each week or as often as you like, to communicate with your partner, your children or even a friend, and I believe your relationships will become more meaningful. Effective communication can be learned. I had to learn to be open and honest, to not blame anyone else for my feelings, but acknowledge them as my own and admit them. Learning to communicate has enhanced my marriage. Effective communication is the glue that holds relationships together, whether in drought times or good times. Rev Brian Kirk Executive Director Anglican Counselling Service Printed in the June 2003 edition of 'The Link - The Newsletter of the Armidale Anglican Diocese' |
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